To Whom It May Concern….I can hear you.

To Whom It May Concern,

Thank you for your wonderful words. At first I thought, is this really me you are referring to and then I asked and you said yes. I then asked others involved in this task the same thing and the answer was the same. The problem back then that I did not see was that you walked away rather quickly but again, I didn’t notice until I “read”further and understood why.

I’d love to sit and chat with all of you for specifics but you running away tells me you are not capable of that. So here are my specifics…

I am a capable person.

I am a professional.

When I have to step up to the plate, I do and I do my very best.

I don’t require much attention but I do love a good group chat and laughter.

I am mindful of all those around me and I try to be sensitive to things I may not know about or do not understand. That’s how I learn.

I value my right to vote as a human being but most importantly as a woman for I know what so many before me had to contend with. I cannot and will not dishonor them by not voting, even if it’s for the local dog catcher.

I am an American, born and raised in New York City. I consider myself a New-Yorkrican because I am most proud of my parents heritage although thanks to Ancestry.com, I may have to come up with a new title but until that’s worked out, I am a proud American Latina woman. And no, I nor my parents required a green card to come to NY. Puerto Rico is a commonwealth of the USA.

I love people. Except those that disrespect others, are prejudiced/racist and bullies. Rapists are another category and I must stop short in using the word hate because that seems to be prevalent these days,  but if there is another word for what I feel towards people who do horrible things to children and to women, that’s the word that I would use. If hate is the word, then forgive me for using such a hateful word.

I do not judge others by their religion nor their politics. I want to be respected for mine.I will however, though not always advised, have a conversation with someone if they can enlighten me without frightening me.

I think all people are beautiful and smart until they open their mouths to remove the doubt and still I give them the benefit of the doubt because like me, they could have had a bad day.

I will admit, I don’t like spoiled kids, spoiled adults or spoiled adults who have spoiled kids. But I am tolerant as I do recall a time or two when I have indulged in spoiled child behavior.

I am entitled to my feelings and emotions and make no apologies for them. I do not defend, define nor explain to any one how I feel about something that should be quite obvious. Although I feel if you are reading this, it might seem that that is exactly what I am doing.

I get angry. Don’t you? If I do something from the heart and someone crawls all over it, my feelings get hurt. Wouldn’t yours? So when you seem me reacting like a normal human being, either understand me or don’t, but when you comment about how absurd I am behaving or how YOU think I’m over reacting, just wait till it’s your turn. Then see how it feels.

I get over things quickly. Sometimes, not too quickly but I think that’s because I have this thing called “Being Human.” I can’t help myself, I was born that way.
I’ve been around people who have been hurt, lost their tempers and then well, then I love them still because they have the same thing I do, “Being Human.”

When you see me comfort someone that well, again that human thing, when you see me comfort someone I’m not too crazy about, don’t assume I’m being hypocritical. Believe I’m being compassionate because even people I’m not crazy about have the same thing I have; Being Human.

I do have a problem with people walking over others while still pretending to be a friend. If that’s you, know that I can see you. Peek a boo! I know what you are doing but see below for the rest of this comment.

I get along with every one although sometimes I do keep a little distance from those that pretend they are above us all. I will admit that there have been times when I’ve played the fool because I’ve enjoyed having them believe I have been fooled when in fact they are the ones being fooled. Shall I repeat that?

Why do people get joy out of belittling others? Why do they feel the need to say one thing, but do another  and then pretend, with bashful eyes, “I didn’t realize I was doing that?” Yea that’s catty. I don’t like that either. Do you? Would you tolerate that? I hope not but then again if you are the one doing this, well SHAME ON YOU!

I am a wife, a mother but I was a young girl first. I grew up with a lot of disappointments and a lot of joy and those helped shaped the woman I am today. So please remember that when you feel the need to pass judgement on me because I don’t fit into the world you created for yourself.

I have an illness that cannot be seen. And yes, I have a doctor’s note that can prove it along with permission that says, I can stay in bed, take some medicine that will help with some of these illnesses and with that comes the right to cry and wallow. Please don’t think because you see me daily with makeup and nice clothes that I cannot possibly be ill. I just don’t need to show it and I CHOOSE daily how each day will be for me. I CHOOSE to live with positivity but if I can’t pronounce something correctly or I forget a name or a moment, please don’t make fun of that. It’s part of the illness. And because I choose not to take all the meds that would most definitely put me in bed, I deal with the consequences of that. So if I forget, remember the times you had difficulty in remembering something. Don’t be so harsh. And making fun of me will not earn you any points.

I am not alone in this either. Look around you. That person that walks a little slower but is in their 40’s could be the person that chose to get up that morning and take life by the tail and just swing it. They think they are walking pretty fast, don’t discourage them. Move over.

I also have other ailments because I chose to give my time to my city when they were seeing the worst of humanity. Sometimes, it hurts to laugh because I have to take a deep breathe and the holes in my lungs don’t allow me to do that too often. If I cringe,I’m in pain or possibly constipated which is also another side effect of my meds. I deal with it, you don’t have to but try to understand it or at least be a tiny bit compassionate.

I have a husband who is also ill. Please don’t tell me he looks ill. I don’t know of any day he or I wake up, look at each other or in a mirror and think, we look great today. But we got out of bed and for that we are grateful, and that’s what makes us think we look well. Encourage us. Keep your discouraging words to yourself. I didn’t think them, you did, so you own them.

Please don’t tell me, “Oh, you’ll be fine. Just believe.” The mere fact that I am sitting up and doing something is proof that I do believe but you telling me what I’ve got to do is not encouraging. Sometimes, what I really want to do is scream and cry and say it’s all unfair. If you have not been the recipient of that, well then you know why.

That doesn’t just go for me. It goes for every cancer patient, every person who has an illness you do not see, it goes for someone who is depressed, it also goes for the person who can’t think clearly because they had to choose a medicine they needed to live on over one that would cause them to lie in bed motionless. This goes for all human beings.

When you want to say something comforting to someone and you don’t know what to say, hold my hand. Hug me. (or them) Cry with them. Be angry with them. Then if you want to lift their spirits, support them,but don’t, don’t ever  ever say, “Oh you’ll get over it. It could be worse.” Because IT IS WORSE and it will not get any better and we are trying to live with it. So be there for us or just move along. We can handle that a lot better than phoniness or empty words. Trust me, we’ve been at it a long time now.

I don’t like people who pretend to be a friend and can’t wait to pick me apart when my back is turned. I’ve often wonder, why they think it’s an okay thing to do. They don’t have to like me but why make it their mission to have others join them or choose a side? Are they that insecure? If that’s you, please, go away. I wasn’t put on this earth for a popularity contest and neither were you, but you certainly are not going to win one when you can tear someone apart. Do you not see that others see you do this and will eventually wonder when will it be their turn? To that I can only quote Homer Simpson, “Doh!”

I can like you if you would only give yourself a chance to be liked. For instance, I don’t need to know how many fancy dinners you went to last week when, because I had to pay for medication my insurance wouldn’t cover I could only treat my family to Panera’s. Maybe you didn’t know that but I didn’t need to hear for the hundredth time, who you saw, who you met, what you ate and how much it cost. That’s a bit show-offy. Or, I don’t need to know how expensive your bag is when I asked where you got it. I was in fact admiring the bag, not the price. You didn’t have to tell me, “Oh you couldn’t afford this.”

I can like you if you would give yourself a chance to be liked. For instance, don’t dismiss a conversation someone is having because you are bored and feel the need to talk about something more important, like yourself. Allow people to feel comfortable in your presence, don’t make them feel as if they must have a gazillion bucks to keep up with you. And here’s a clue: It’s NOT about you. Not always. Oh and you do know sometimes I can hear you when I walk away as you mutter something under your breath. I’m sick, not deaf.

I just had a wild thought…. could you be doing these things because you are insecure or do I make you insecure in spite of my lack of whatever it is you possess? Just a thought, but I digress.

To Whom It May Concern, I live in pain. I wake up in pain, I walk through my pain and sometimes, getting out of bed and sitting up is an amazing day for me. I’m most happy that you can get up, get in your car, fill it up, go to your fancy supermarket, shop without coupons, stop for  your $10 cup of double latte,one shot espresso, half cream, half whatever cup of coffee, have someone put your groceries away and then because you are tired, you can go out to eat a $50 salad that I can make for $10. I truly am happy for you. No, I really mean that. But if you find it necessary to constantly remind  those around you that this is what you do, then you also need to remind yourself that you are self-centered, spoiled and uncaring. I sure do hope you put more than your loose change in the cup of that homeless guy you passed by on your way to having that one gray hair colored.

I watch TV. Sometimes it’s mindless TV because reading hurts my hands and either the book becomes heavy or the lite from my old IPAD is too bright. So TV it is. I can be the scullery maid from Downton Abbey or I can be a warrior from Scandal. I can also figure out How To Get Away with Murder and then change the channel and let Laura Ingalls take me away to a simpler time. I can do that because sometimes, that’s all I can do. And if by chance I happen to fall asleep during one of those shows, I’m thrilled because I also have insomnia. It’s not fun. Try it sometimes. Try it for a week. Then come join me in my world.

I sound bitter don’t I? Well only to those who have not experienced half of what I have as so many others have would understand this. It’s not bitterness at all.

For I do not wish to be rich, or spoiled or self-centered. I want to be comfortable. I don’t want to worry about bills being paid but then that’s most Americans. Hark! I am like most Americans! I do not feel the need to rub in any one’s face where I went, how much something cost or that I decided to take a last-minute flight out to Timbuktu. However, if all of these things made me well, I just might try being you for one day. But only because I miss taking deep breaths, I miss walking with no pain, I miss having a clear mind and I miss being well.

Dedicated to all who have been misunderstood because they look so well.

Been there, done that…be patient, still be kind. It’s okay to be angry and cry. *&^%$ to all who don’t get it. Be you! Do you! (Got that last comment from a friend.)

I feel your pain too. You are not alone.

 

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