I am sad

In the midst of all that has happened this past week, I find myself going from happy to sad. So many nice things are happening in my life right now;my daughter finally finished school with her second masters, my niece did her first Holy Communion, a friend received a surprise promotion and when she realized the tasks involved, it’s so right up her alley. So many graduations, dance recitals, “just because” gifts and cards. All of these things make me extremely grateful and happy, but then I go into another world of how could I enjoy all of this when so many have lost so much. I know I shouldn’t do it, but since September 11th, 2001, it seems that’s all I do, although I try to pull myself out of that.

After 9/11, we didn’t listen to music. We couldn’t. We could not enjoy it because so many weren’t. When we finally turned on the radio and heard Christmas songs, we cried. How could we enjoy Christmas when so many wouldn’t? There was no tree that year.

After 9/11, we didn’t go away, like we had planned. How could we? So many would not do that any more.

After 9/11, my silliness had gone away, as well as my dry jokes. There was no reason to laugh or be playful.

I became involved in 9/11 recovery and it changed me. I became more appreciative of all that I had because I would spend hours seeing the faces of so many who had seen things no one should ever have to see. I didn’t take much for granted any more, and when friends asked if they could come to visit, where I would have said no because that meant fun, I said yes, because it meant closeness, affection and comfort.

I became ill a few months later and I found myself once again feeling guilty for wanting to be well and stay alive because I knew so many would not have that.

One day, as I was lying in bed, I looked to the angels I had received via all the ribbons I had sent out to any one who asked. The ribbons were made to honor each person that was killed on 9/11/01. As I was looking at the angels, I was enveloped in comfort, warmth and my fear was slowly going away. As I went to sleep that night, I thanked my angel for giving me peace.

Since then, I’ve devoted my life to volunteering. I’ve met the most amazing people from all over the world. I’ve met people I would have never met had I not made the decision to volunteer and give back. Every time I hear of another terrorist attack, another shooting, another death, it brings me back to the dark days I fought so hard to get out from. But I’m comforted by the friends I have met who have dealt with the same thing and there is unity, comfort and strength.

The sadness seems to be everywhere.. It’s unavoidable. It’s hard to climb out of that darkness. One would think after doing it so often, that it would be easier to do. But death is never easy. Murder is never easy.

I’m always posting about being kind to others, being mindful of others feelings. Doing random acts of kindness, pay it forward, and I believe if we all heeded those words and lived them, we can have a better world, we can live in a better world, and we can climb out of the darkness that creeps in

I see friends attacking friends they’ve known for years because of the presidential campaign. I must admit, I’ve had to stand back a bit when I hear some of the things some of my friends say. Did that really come out of them? And why didn’t I know this about them? Are they speaking out of fear?  It’s sad to see friendships take on different meanings.

I see friends excluding friends they’ve known for a while, because in their minds, they no longer fit the mold of what they thought friendship was. Translation: They don’t agree with their politics, therefore, they can’t be trusted, they can’t associate, they can’t relate.

I have had to wonder myself if the person spewing hate, that is my friend, is someone I can remain friends with but I remind myself that this country is based on freedom of thought, words and beliefs and how can I remove myself from a friend’s life if they are expressing these very freedoms we have fought for. However, the same doesn’t seem true, when it comes to you not agreeing with them. Then I see the racism, the ugliness, the “I’m better than you” attitude. And I know that freedom was never and will never be free.

I do not know what this election will bring. I’ve learned to silence my opinions because there is enough fighting going on and I don’t care to add to it.

And then there is the sadness.

I am sad that there are families who will never see their loved ones again. I am sad that young children will not share milestones in their lives because their parents were taken away by a bullet of hatred. I am sad that friends think it is okay to judge you, speak about you, then smile with you when you are in their presence. I am sad of the hypocrisy that exists when there was none before, or was there and I couldn’t see it? I am sad that there is so much fear, and hatred and finger-pointing. I am sad that a simple, “let’s talk this over and leave the hatred out of it, ” can’t work. I am sad that friends think it’s okay to speak of others, not in their presence and judge them because that tells me that they assume or believe that they are better. I am sad that people can’t just co-exist, regardless of their beliefs, regardless of thoughts, regardless of anything.

I am sad.



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