Johnny Depp – It’s All Your Fault!

Catchy title? Well, this is an almost true story. I say almost because any one with half a brain will know after reading this that Johnny Depp is not to blame but it is true that his name, his persona, his whole being was allegedly the cause for the breakup of… wait, I’m going to far ahead.

Picture this: Man meets young woman at nice bar. They chat, they start liking each other. They even extend that meeting to a light dinner. Man calls young woman two days later and thus a relationship is born. Love pursues and the world is finally aligned for them both…or so we thought.

What does this have to do with JD? I’m getting there. Be patient.

The months went by and they were glorious. Man who appeared to be secure with himself lavished compliments, romance and much thoughtfulness into the relationship. Young woman thought she had died and gone to heaven. Mother of said young woman is still not convinced but she goes with the flow. That mother would be me.

Now I’ve always told my daughter that all relationships need at least 6 to 8 months for the real people in them to come out. By this time the honeymoon phase is zoning out and the couple starts to get comfortable. That’s when you see the real people involved. As a result of this, my daughter had decided early on that if she’s ever in a relationship, she will show her true self up front so that the game playing won’t be a part of the relationship from the start. I told her that was an excellent idea but she had to remember that it takes two to make this happen and she can only do her part.

Having given this man a taste of her honesty and having him still stick around a year later, he was somewhat convincing me that I may just have a few years to plan for a wedding. But something was still bugging me. I guess I couldn’t see clearly because this was the first time my husband actually liked someone our daughter brought home. That through me for a loop. If my husband liked him then either I was being an over protective mother who would never like any man her daughter would bring home or my husband was nuts.

He’s nuts.

I knew something was wrong by the little things this young man did.

He always had to have a wash cloth to bathe which is fine by me. I figured it was a hygiene thing and well that’s why wash cloths were invented. But this was the same man who would take a shower in my home, walk out of the bathroom looking all prim and proper but leaving behind his undershorts and PJ’s… on top of my clean towel bin. Talk about hygiene!

He loved his spicy food. But couldn’t get near a pool that had chlorine because it made his nose run wild. And spicy food doesn’t? Hmmmmm.

He made it a point  to let every one know what a cool dude he was all while jumping on a trampoline trying to best the last person who sprinted across the rubbery platform.

He wasn’t that short but wasn’t that tall but he swore he could take on the world because he was a Jujitsu student. Someone should have told him a student means you are still learning. But who was I to burst his bubble? Yet, he always felt that if any one tried to mess with him, he’d pummel his ass with one Jujitsu move. I would have paid to see that happen. Only because his arrogance was now bigger than his head and I’m not just speaking figuratively either.

I tried to like him. I really did. In fact, I did like him. Seriously, I did. But there were so many times when I would be having a conversation and he would be present that he felt the need to correct me and not in the most appropriate way. I fought the urge several times to tell him when he stopped having acne he could then correct me but even for me that was a pretty low blow.

He was always acting appalled when the family would get together and sing, laugh, dance and yes, we got a little gross in all of our adult jokes and comments. He thought that was undignified. And what? Him looking at magazines with naked woman was a good thing?

This young man had to take naps on the weekends while his girlfriend who lived 90 minutes away came to visit. He had his own place and not once in the time she was staying over did he ever offer to give her a tiny corner in his dresser or his closet so she could leave things there instead of having to lug it with her each and every weekend she came over to stay with him. What a thoughtful man he was.

Yet, each time he privileged us with his presence we treated him like a son. We cooked for him, made him feel as if mi casa su casa and all the while his true self was waiting to pounce. I knew it would be a matter of time before he would appear.

And he did.

So what does this have to do with JD?

I’m getting there.

This young man who is obviously intelligent and quite handsome had a basket of insecurities a mile long. Something deep inside of him was blocking his ability to be the best that he could be and while that is not something to ridicule when those actions begin to affect others, it is something to think about and be very much concerned.

Week after week he had excuses for not being able to attend family functions. Now I know my family is not your average television brand kind of family and we do have many dysfunctions but we are family just the same and we always knew how to behave but the bottom line is in our family, it is what it is and we are family, just like the song says. Apparently this young man is used to the quiet type. His PDA’s weren’t much of anything but give him a few beers and his true self would appear. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

So what about Johnny Depp?

Dating for over a year now, the young man decides to grace his young lady with his presence for the July 4th weekend which happens to be her birthday weekend, which happened to be the weekend that the family were all getting together, to celebrate and watch the beautiful fireworks display in our community. Young man came in ready to brawl. I could smell it a mile away. Mother’s know these things. Their uterus’s throb. They start to get nervous ticks and the sweat running down their backs is not from menopause.

The weekend began with the young woman playing Disney Scene it with her close friends. I might add that all three of her friends are articulate, still in school, with one almost on her way to becoming a doctor while the other two have three more years for their ph.d in History. Pretty impressive if you ask me. And yet, they still take a little time to enjoy the view and all the wonderful things out there that serve as a reminder of their younger days.

They are playing Disney Scene it and ask politely if he would like to join them and his mature response was: “No thank you, I’m not 7.” I heard this as I was walking into the room and did an about face because I was ready to rip him a new face.  I took the higher road.

The young man didn’t just stop there. When he grew tired of the ladies playing their game -their juvenile game -according to him, he pretended to sneeze and slightly covering his mouth, uttered, “Wii.” Boy, was that real mature. mature?

He spent the rest of the evening ignoring his young love while eating my food and enjoying my beer. I could see how upset my daughter was but I knew that it would be a matter of time before the hurricane hit.

It hit the next day.

I’ll spare you the details because I know by now you want to know what this has to do with JD.

They went to see Public Enemy. Things by this time went from bad to worse. He was barely speaking to her. He was embarrassing her by ignoring her or being curt with his one word responses to her questions and by the time they sat down to see the movie she was ready to give up on him. The movie began.

JD was on the screen. The ladies swooned. They signed. They did what all women do when they see their hunka hunka burning love on the silver screen. The movie is over. They come home. The little boy is on the phone with his even more little sister and it was quite obvious that he was pouring his heart out to her over the fact that his loved one had paid more attention to her friends , Disney Scene and GASP! Johnny Depp than  than to him. And he felt the need to discuss this with his sister who lives  across the country and not with his girlfriend of over a year.

That evening, the hurricane began to stir it’s ugly head and my daughter decided if Mr. Maturity wasn’t going to talk about it, she would. And she asked.

And that’s where Johnny Depp comes in.

He was upset that throughout the movie, his loved one, HIS girlfriend, embarrassed him by sighing over JD. He was appalled that his girlfriend could humiliate him that way. And when she looked at him dumbstruck, finally finding a voice and saying, ” I don’t get upset when you swoon over Marissa Tomei.” His response? “I just do that to piss you off.” All together now…. BOY WAS THAT REAL MATURE.

How many woman can say that Johnny Depp ruined their relationship? How many can say that he was the reason for the end of their relationship? And so Johnny, if you are out there.. thank you. You spared my daughter and the rest of us in the family years of having to watch a grown man have tantrums.

Two days after the breakup, I bought my daughter a Johnny Depp tote bag, T shirt and pillow case. I’d rather have him in our life then the poor excuse for what we thought was a gentleman with manners.

 

Oh yes, I left some typos in this blog in case he’s reading it, he’ll have something to bitch and moan about. Hey, what can I say, I aim to please.

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