June 7, 2007
Cause I’m FIFTY!
Okay Oprah, you and I have to have it out! You made this big deal about turning 50 and here I was looking forward to it and when I turned 50 uh…nothing..nada…zip.. Well that’s not exactly true… I had a party… I had a lot of fun…but all that other stuff you talked about…. being comfortable in your own skin, etc.etc… well you were either trying to convince yourself or you just plain lied……Or maybe the waddles and wiggles in your body have rendered your thought processes useless…I know you’ve got waddles and wiggles. Even all your money won’t let you escape that.
I had this big party where some friends and family helped me celebrate half a century of life. And it was good. No, it was great. I didn’t have any famous people at my party like you had, but I did have Lori Stolkes and Steve Bartlestein there. They are as famous as I’m ever going to meet and every one who watches Eyewitness news in New York City knows them, so while I didn’t match your kind of party in terms of big name people, I was happy with them being there. At least I know they came because of me and not because they were there to say “Ohh I went to Oprah’s party and guess who I saw?” In fact, it makes me feel good that they were there cause they liked me.
But I digress…
You said you couldn’t wait to turn 50. You said that you were looking forward to it because it — oh heck, I don’t even remember your exact words.. and that’s just what this is all about.. Turning 50 has changed the inside of my brain…….things, I might add you forgot to mention!! The first thing being my memory… I used to be able to remember things as profound as quotes which is why I looked forward to turning 50 when YOU talked about it and now I can’t remember what was so great about what you said. I can’t even remember exactly what you said. I can’t even remember if I TIVO’d that show so that I could go back and hear what you said was so great about turning 50. Then I remembered I don’t have TIVO. You lied Oprah.
The day I turned 50, I didn’t feel any different than I was when I was 49, 48 or even 45. I guess I didn’t have to think about that because I had this big party planned two weeks later and I figured I’d have two weeks to get used to the idea of turning 50. Yea well… the party was a blast. I danced my fifty year old ass off and not one bone in my body ached, which confused the hell out of me because this 50 year old body has had back surgery, double knee surgery and neck surgery, not to mention cancer surgery where they so rudely took one of my kidneys. So why wasn’t I in any pain while dancing and hopping from table to table? Was I dead? Nooo.. cause in heaven I’m sure I would have seen my dad and my brother and the folks I was looking at were not dead… and trust me, there were some at the party that didn’t belong in heaven so I knew I couldn’t be dead. So I thought…and said to myself…”Self…this must be what Oprah was talking about… I feel no pain.. .this is great… Fifty is Fabulous! ” I moved and grooved and didn’t worry once about any of my under arm fat showing (you know the kind Victoria’s Secret bras don’t hide but hey.. I’m wearing Vicky on my boobs, so I just pretend it’s not there,) or my belly rolls filling out my a-line gown each time I sat down. Nope, that night was about celebrating life and I did. I really did.Then a week later guess what happened? I woke up!What is this fifty is fabulous crap? I started looking at some of my pictures and well, they all weren’t that bad. Even when I was sweating up a storm… and I bet you didn’t sweat once at your party…. You made sure someone was there with a powder puff to make you look freshly made up or I bet you had your own personal invisible fan to keep you looking cool and fresh the whole time you rocked and rolled.
I didn’t look too bad. But I should have known something was up the day of the party. I spent the entire night in curlers because I wanted this nice head of curls and low and behold, after the makeup was put on ever so nicely with just the right amount of shadow and the right kind of blush to make me look like I really had color when I am this pale skinned Latina woman, I removed the curlers… all I did was use a tiny pick to make them poofy and they died. That’s never happened! I waited a whole year for this party. I planned my hair-stlyle so many times and this was it? And the curls were dead. Not even rigamortis set in. They were just dead.
Well I wasn’t going to let that ruin my night so I did an up-do which I wanted to avoid doing because I didn’t want to look like my grandmother who always wore an up-do every where she went. So I decided since I was having a party to honor life, I’d honor my grandmother with an up-do. Off I went. The rest of the evening went rather well. It went too fast and then I realized why I felt cheated; Because OPRAH’S 50th birthday celebration lasted A WEEK!!
The next morning I counted my blessings. I read all the heartfelt messages from my cards and all the wonderful memories in my digital camera came alive once again for me and that’s when the second bam hit me, right between the eyes, or I should say between the chins. There it was… a side view of my face… my jawline.. the once beautemous jawline that defined my square like face was gone. It was slowly blending into my neck. And when did my neck become the size of my thigh? And as I took a closer look at another picture, there was another “gasp my heart is beating too hard” moment. There it was..laughing in my face… as I was looking at my face…the little wrinkled soon to be a waddle on top of the beautiful chain I had worn that night. Fifty is fabulous? Fifty is FLABulous!
Well Oprah you done lied. I’ve lived the Doc Oz life and I ain’t feeling any better. Well okay, I haven’t done all what the book says but shouldn’t I be seeing some results by now? And wouldn’t you know it… that night, I decided to distract myself, there it was, on my night table, the issue of PEOPLE magazine with all the women who had lost weight with NO SURGERY! Oh who are they kidding?? I saw all those pictures from all those women as I’m examining them with my owl card (yes, I had to buy one because MY EYESITE IS GOING TOO!) I couldn’t see one stretch mark or loose skin or waddle!! I want to know how did they lose all that weight without any of the saggy stuff going on? Where is the wobble of their arms? And surely one of them had to have gray hair. Come on… you don’t lose over 100 pounds and don’t look emaciated. Either People Magazine is lying to us or you are Oprah. Someone better fess up because there are a lot of angry REAL 50 year old women out there that want answers. I know there are a lot of women that took the time throughout their young lives WHEN THEY WEREN’T BUSY running after their kids who have good bodies at 50. I’m talking about the normal women…the me women. You know… The one that looks good with her clothes on but once the under stuff is gone, everything goes sideways and that’s STANDING UP!!
So here’s what I’m going to do….I’m 50! There’s nothing I can do about that but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a wrinkled waddle get the best of me and if my thighs jiggle when I wiggle oh well, I’m 50, deal with it! I won’t work out because I’ve got to look like I’m 30 cause I’m 50 dammit! But I will work out because I don’t want my jiggles to jangle more than they do now. And come to think of it.. with all that jiggle and jangling don’t I get any credit? Any calories off? I mean, something’s burning up when my thighs meet. I don’t want my wrinkles to deepen until I’m at least 75 because by then, I won’t care if I’ve got wrinkles, I’ll look so good because of what I’m doing now that people will embrace those wrinkles, maybe I’ll embrace those wrinkles. I don’t know, I might be too tired to look in a mirror or care. But I’m not 75 YET so until then, I’ve got to do something. I know whatever I do won’t make me look like those women in People magazine or even as good as you Oprah unless of course, I get my own personal chef and exercise hunk to be with me daily, but I can try to do it my way… Because I’m 50! And that’s all there’s to it. I may not have a big party when I’m 75 and Steve and Lori will probably own the network and not remember me; the 50 year old they came to see at her party, but I’ll have my memories from that day which I know will lead me to years later not giving a gosh darn about the jiggles, the jangles and the waddles. But I’m 50! And that’s where I’m going to start….
So here’s to all the women who woke up on the first day of their 50th year to the mirror who told no lies. YOU’RE 50! Celebrate that… embrace the waddles, the wrinkles, the jiggles and jangles…cause your 50!! And that’s what it’s all about… take it from here… and forget what Oprah said and those fluffed up pictures… make it your own life… Because YOU’RE 50!
Copyright © 2007 by Sonia Agron
Word count 1754